Apple pie, Baseball, andVoldemort?
by n00bomaddieface
Summary: "Alrighty, Moldy Shorts and his wild crew of deatheaters, I'm gonna show you how to play some baseball...the HERMOINE way."
1. A Truce

**DISCLAIMER: **

_Victoria:_ We don't own Harry Potter, unfortunately. We are both just more Harry Potter fan girls who wish they owned harry potter and therefore write fanfiction because we nothing else to do with our daily lives….NOW! ON WITH THE STORY! ;3

_Maddie: hot cha cha_

It was a normal Hogwarts day and everyone was eating lunch and conversing joyfully. All was well, until the big, mahogany doors of the dining hall burst open to reveal the tall, snake-like figure of none other than LORD. VOLDEMORT (cues gasps)

Students jumped from their seats and scrambled around the dining hall in fear. Teachers readied their wands as the prefects tried to calm everyone down.

"AAAAH!" Ron cried

"AAAAH!" Harry bellowed

"HOLY CRAAAAAP!" Hermoine exclaimed.

"SHUT UP!" shouted Percy, trying to get everyone safely out of the dining hall.

Voldemort sighed as his deatheaters crawled in through the windows.

"You guuu-uuys!" Voldemort whined. "I told you to come through the door like NORMAL PEOPLE! LUCIUS!" he barked. Lucius turned his head in alarm.

"Yes, my lovely bunny?" he chimed.

"STOP CALLING ME THAT." He demanded. "Now, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND WINDOWS? DID _YOU_ TELL THEM TO DO THIS?"

Lucius shifted from foot to foot nervously. "Well...I...I thought it would be cool! You know, if we all came through the window all bad-arse like."

Voldemort massaged the bridge of his nose in frustration and sighed. "We're _supposed_ to be coming in _peace_, here, lulu"

Lucius giggled at the nick-name and apologized. "Oh yeah…I'm sorry!"

"Run along, then." Voldemort sighed, exasperated.

Voldemort turned to the crowd of frightened, scrambling students and yelled at the top of his lungs "SILENCE!" nothing happened. Voldemort frowned.

"HEY." Voldy tried again. "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Everyone froze.

Voldemort took a deep breath and thought about what to say now that he had everyone's attention. He never guessed he'd get this far.

"um..I come in peace!" he said nervously." Lulu snorted along with the rest of the deatheaters. There wasn't one student in the dining hall who wasn't rolling their eyes at the bad greeting.

"I'm not here to kill you all. I will admit the thought crossed my mind, after you adolescent morons killed Nagini, but…" Lucius shook his hands in a _well, go on then_ manner.

"I'm here to be your FRIEND. As gut-wrenchingly HUMILIATING that is to say…it's true." He admitted.

The hall went silent. Everyone was wearing an expression of confusion and their eyes looked like THIS O_o Whispers echoed through the dining hall. They must've been dreaming.

McGonagall cleared her throat and piped up. "Er…okay..? And _how _did you come to this conclusion? How do we know you aren't trying to trick us so that you can kidnap us, read us your bad poetry, stab us, and then RIP OUT OUR THROATS?" The professor seemed to be getting rather riled-up and her eyes started to bulge out of her sockets.

"What?" Voldemort asked in disbelief whilst looking at the professor like she belonged in St. Mungo's mental issue wing. "That's…that's really gross! AND I DON'T WRITE POETRY…a lot..."

Hermoine gave him a patronizing look and silently walked up to where Voldemort stood. She extended her hand and pat him on the shoulder.

"It's okay, Voldy..Everyone writes poetry! Especially when they go through hard times." She nodded her head and continued to pat him on the shoulder.

The silence in the dining hall seemed to last forever as Voldemort stared at her. He took a giant step to his right, away from the muggle-born's touch.

"CRUCIO!" he shouted as he watched the filthy mudblood writhe around on the floor.

Lucius ran up to voldy and took his wand out of his hand. "NO! BAD VOLDY! Don't make me get my trampling llamas! We're supposed to be GOOD! Say it with me. Goooood"

Voldy's eyes widened as the memories of those EVIL LLAMAS appeared in his head. He started to whimper, and then spoke along with Lucius' easy-going tone.

"Gooood" Everyone stared until McGonagall finally cleared her throat.

"You were saying?" she inquired.

"OH YEAH!" Voldy exclaimed. "So anyways… It all started a few weeks ago…" His eyes glazed over as he remembered the life changing moment in his chambers.

-Spins in circles- CUE THE FLASHBAAAACK!

"I was listening to Elvis Presley-"he paused to let the students laugh at the mental image of Moldy Voldy listening to Elvis.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Are you all quite finished?" A few more giggles echoed through the dining hall.

Dumbledore wiped his eyes and said through a laugh "Yeah, yeah yeah, I think we're done…BAHA!"

Voldemort sighed. "ANYWAYS…"

"WAIT!" Harry shouted from his seat. "Before you start…which song was it?" he giggled.

Voldemort stamped his foot. "JAILHOUSE ROCK, BIATCH!"

Harry stared.

"Now…may I finish? Or START I should say?" voldemort asked, annoyed.

"Yeah, I guess so." Hermione stated.


	2. It came to me in a dream

_Victoria: _heeeey you guys ;D I bet you're so super excited about our constant updating! Yeah? :D shutupidon'tneedyourlife

_Madison:_ jeez vic all they wanna do is luv you =(

_Victoria:_ what are you talking about? ;D I LOVE my non-existent fans

_Madison:_ what fans? No one luvs us, anywho….

_Victoria:_ hence the NON-existent, you emo meanie face D: now, ON WITH TEH STOREH!

_Madison:_ riiiight I knew that. I was…. Uh… testing u! Right me and dipshit over here don't own anything cept the plot.

_Victoria: _you better be lucky I don't curse….

-:D-

"Now, AS I was saying…" voldemort dazed off into his own thoughts as he entertained the hogwart's students with his flashback

-CUE TEH FLASHBACK…ONCE MORE!-

_Voldemort sighed as he sat in his large throne room. Fer real it was like. HUGE. The snake of man stared off into space as the ambiance of screaming children soothed his ears. Bellatrix was massaging his feet and humming in that annoying voice of hers._

_ Voldy sighed in relaxation as he closed his eyes and drifted into a peaceful (enough) sleep. He was skipping through a meadow of dead flowers and lime green butterflies as kitten's bodies writhed in circles on the ground under the torture of his death eaters' cruciatus curses._

_ Bellatrix cackled and voldy skipped badly, and suddenly, a blinding light flashed by that would change his life forever. His eyes widened as he recognized the figure approaching from the ray of white light. He started jumping up and down and screamed like a little fan-girl. _

_ "SQUEEE! Ohmygawdohmygawd!" he gushed as he held a tight death grip on bellatrix's arm to stop himself from running in circles and then DYING of excitement._

_ "Er…my lord…you have…quite a grip there." Bellatrix hesitated while shifting from foot to foot._

_ "SHUDDUP, TRIXY! It's…HIM!" he squeeled. _

_ The majestic figure of SARUMAN exited the light and placed his big hand on our dear moldy voldy's shoulder. Bella thought Voldemort's blood red eyes were going to pop out of his strangely shaped skull as he gaped at the wizard._

_ "Voldemort!" Saruman bellowed._

_ "Neh? Er...Er...Yes, my lord?" Voldemort stammered._

_ "FOO. If there ain't ONE thing I learned from getting my ass kicked by that punk-ass hobbit, it's that evil...is NOT the way to go. Good always wins…especially when there's an author behind the story." Confessed Saruman. Voldemort's knees shook with excitement and nodded quickly, giving him a headache. Bellatrix, who had finally removed her arm from voldy's grip, rolled her eyes. Saruman and Voldemort jerked their heads simultaneously in my and maddie's direction._

_ "Authors like…THEM. If you can call them authors…" Saruman accused. (SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO THE STORY o.o they're not supposed to know about us!) _

_ "Now, GO!" Saruman demanded. "Make peace with the wizards. It'll all pay off in the end." That was Saruman's last piece of advice before he shimmied off into the sunset slowly dissolving into thin air._

_ Voldemort watched in awe as Bellatrix shook her head._

_ "Well that was...odd." Bellatrix stated before tormenting more innocent animals. _

_Voldemort's eyes popped open and he stared around the room, making sure of his surroundings. _

_ "Trixy…" Voldemort started. Bellatrix paused in her rubbing of his feet, looked up, and flashed one of those big smiles that showed too many teeth at him. _

_ "Yeeees?" She chimed, pulling out her wand as her eyes glinted with the slightest hope of being able to torture someone or something. _

_ "I believe it's time we call my loyal death eaters. I have a plan." He demanded. _

_ "Ooh! A plan? And what kind of plan do you have in mind?" Bellatrix inquired, twittling her fingers together playfully._

_ "All in good time, Bella." Voldy promised. "Just round up our friends." _

_"Of course sir!" She said as she skipped away._

_ "Baha! Poor Trixy…" Voldemort said to himself as he watched her skip away. "I do hate to disappoint her." Voldemort sighed as he thought out his plan in his head. How exactly was he going to do this? He couldn't just simply _walk_ into Hogwarts…or could he? His thoughts were interrupted by a loud rapping on the window. His head snapped up to the source of the sound, then his shoulders dropped and he sighed as he realized what it was. _

_ "Open the window!" Lucius mouthed as he was stood outside Voldemort's window pointing towards the lock. Not that we know how. After all, the throne room where these strange events were taking place was about a floor up. _

_ "Oh my- LULU! What are you doing?" Voldemort yelled at white-blonde imbecile. _

_ "Trying to get in!" Lucius answered in an unnecessarily loud voice, exaggerating the movements of his mouth._

_ "Why didn't you just go through the friggin' door?" Voldemort asked incredulously. "I leave it open all the time!" _

_ Lucius waved his hand dismissing the thought. "Well it doesn't matter now! Just hurry up! I'm standing on Crabbe and Goyle's shoulders, and they're not exactly the most _graceful_ things on this planet!" _

_ Voldemort threw his head and back and rolled his eyes as he marched towards the window to unlock it. Lucius stumbled in and brushed himself off. Hands on his hips, and a content smile on his face he looked around the room._

_ "So what do ya need us here for?" Lucius asked. A loud crash sounded from the bottom of the building outside the window._

_ Voldemort knitted his eyebrows together. "Was that…?" he asked, confused._

_ "Ah, don't worry about 'em." Lucius waved his hands. "It's just Crabbe and Goyle." Voldemort cocked his head to the side and looked at Lucius in a disappointed way. Lucius stared at him for a moment as if he was battling Voldemort mentally. Finally, he threw his hands in the air._

_ "Ugh! Fine, I'll go get them…" Lucius gave in, turning towards the window where Crabbe and Goyle lay in pain at the bottom._


End file.
